Brittnie's Life

gasp! I'm alive!

2011-08-08T17:21:00.000-07:00

About a week ago I decided I wanted to return to this long ago abandoned, even shorter lived blog and I decided to wait until today, the 1 year abandonversary to commemorate. Ha! I'm not sure why (the blogging, not the commemorating), because I don't even really have a whole lot to say, but because I am such a terrible journaler, I do want to try this again to chronicle my life and give remembrance to all that God has done in my life.

So... in the last year, a LOT has happened! In many ways, it has been one of the hardest and most stressful year and in many ways, it has been the most rewarding year.

My house FINALLY went through (no thanks to the backed up Probate Court) and I moved in at the end of September. The last 10 1/2 months have been a graduate course in learning how to fix, renovate, paint, and own a home on my own. It has been hard, stressful, and empowering. I feel that God has grown me in ways through this (and my many freak outs) in ways I never expected (ha! isn't that always the case?!). The house is coming along nicely, but I can see a room finished in my mind's eye and I want it done now, and not months from now after the wallpaper is scraped, walls cleaned, primed, painted, trim painted, furniture found, decorations added, ad nauseum. If only I didn't have a job.

Oh wait, I don't. The family I nannied for let me go this spring because "they want to spend more time with the girls." Read: we're going through a divorce and we want to make is seem like we spend time with our children (and we each have to so the other doesn't go for full custody) so we're going to let you, the only stable, neutral figure in their lives, go because we really don't care what's best for the girls, just how we look. I missed the girls terribly and to make matters worse, the parents thought it'd be best to make a clean break and wouldn't let me see them for two weeks. It was horrible. And the girls didn't understand what was happening. I still see them on and off and in fact, I am watching them a few days a week for the next few weeks (but they don't need a nanny; putting them in all day camp or taking them to the office is spending time with them ;-) )

I still have a part-time job as a nanny to Grace, a sweet baby whose mom is a local news reporter and until today I worked at a flower shop (they don't need me anymore and frankly can't afford me). My summer has been PACKED and I haven't had time to look/apply for jobs so my real work begins now. I'm scared, anxious, and excited. Scared because I need a job in the worst way (I have a mortgage!), and I'm afraid I'm "not good enough" to get a "real job" and scared the wait will be long. I'm anxious because I want to know what the job God will provide is! And I'm excited because of a "new chapter" in my life- I've waited a long time for this!

Also, sadly, I turned 30 this year. It was hard. It came about a month before I was let go and I was.so.stressed.out. I could hardly enjoy my birthday. The Girls parents were SO awful to each other, me and, frankly, The Girls. It was a nightmare so the letting me go was a blessing. I never returned to this baby blog so I never worked on The List, my resolution to 30. But, I hope to finish and add to it before 31. Yikes! I have my work cut out for me!

Brittnie

Hope deferred

2010-08-08T21:28:00.000-07:00

Meanwhile, months later....

I FINALLY found a house! And then we found out it needed to go through "probate court". Boo. So, I wait and wait and wait until it gets approved by the aforesaid probate court.

I love love love the house I "bought". It's a 1946 rambler with charm, character, original features and potential. I can't wait to live in it, make it my own, and enjoy my own space (for once). And then. And then.

I was supposed to close on August 13th but this week we found out that the court date (which we thought was going to be this week) wasn't even until September 8th. September 8th! Apparently, the 6 weeks it normally takes is not the current time frame. September 8th will be 9 weeks. I wonder (about so much these days)... does the shift in schedule mean something? It Satan trying to mess with me? To doubt God? Drop my eyes from Christ? Or, is God leading me away from this house? I don't think it's the latter, but... I wonder.

On THE List, #11 is to find a new job. My job (as a nanny to two of the sweetest girls on the planet) is good. It has been a blessing for many reasons- I'll write about that sometime- but I feel an overwhelming sense that it's time to move on. Yet, despite how many jobs I apply for, I don't even get responses- much less interviews.

Also (I always have an also!), I don't want to belabor this (because I'd go on and on), but it is my hearts desire to be a wife and a mom someday. I feel almost invisible to guys. Not that I meet a lot of solid Christian guys anyway. But, not feeling "wanted" is hard. And getting harder.

I know God is teaching me a LOT about joy and contentment, so I am not surprised that I am in a funk, because the Enemy seeks to destroy, but GOODNESS GRACIOUS I want something to go in my favor just once. Selfish much?

There's not much to this, except that I am in a funk and I need to work better on finding my contentment ONLY in the King of Kings and NOT in my circumstances.

Hebrews 13:5 "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

A Post for Abby. OR, Why I'll always Love Lost

2010-05-20T22:52:00.000-07:00

When I first started reading blogs several years ago, I stumbled upon sweet Abby and her little family. She's funny, wise, and honest. And she's a loon. At least when it comes to LOST.

In response to a comment about why she is upset with LOST (and if it had anything to do with her preconceived notions of where she thinks it should go, which btw, she didn't answer), she gave me the thrill of my day and included my name in a blog post title. Never have I received such an honor. I lead a slow life, people.

So, in response to Abby's response, I have a few things to say.

Abby.

I don't even know where to begin. Hate is a strong word, internet friend.

A. Give the show faith until it proves to not live up to the high standard it set for itself.

B. Iowa? I love Iowa. Just kidding. We Minnesotans hate Iowa. Seriously. Where in Iowa?

C. Now, let's answer some of your questions:
a) Why did the Others like to masquerade as people living in mud huts? I don't think it matters. I think it was probably b/c they moved a lot as they were learning about and harnessing the electromagnetism. Red herring.
b) What's so special and strange about Walt? Good question. My guess? Maybe he had (has?) some special abilities like Desmond re the aforementioned electromagnetism. My question? HOW did they know about his powers?
c) Why can't Ben and Widmore kill each other? They said “the rules” didn't they? Maybe can't here was more of a law? ex. I can't go kill someone right now, except, you know, I really can. I just have to suffer the consequences if I do.
d) Though we don't know the rules about Smokey, but we do know a few things, like that Smokey somehow “downloads” their thoughts/fears/whatever, so maybe that's how he appears as other people w/o actually becoming them (if he does indeed need their bodies). My question? TELL US MORE ABOUT SMOKEY!!! Ok, not a question- a demand.
e) The Across The Sea questions are good to ask. There were holes, to be sure. I was mostly ticked they wasted a whole episode on that so close to the end. Should have been done 5 episodes ago. Also? See #14.
f) Richard? We don't know that Richard is for sure dead yet. Do we?

D.There are questions I do want to see answered. LOTS of them. I am a) aware that most won't get answered and b) ok with that. I think that many of the things we saw on this side as important were red herrings. (Whether they were always red herrings or just now being claimed as them, I don't know.)

The non-comprehensive list of things I am still after 6 years, curious about on LOST(drum roll please):

1)How did Jacob (and Richard) get on and off the island?
2)Did Jacob build or find that looking glass thingy and how did he see the candidates off the island? AND, how did he know about them/find them?
3)When Jacob drank from the cup- did he just know everything from his murderous mommy? Does Jack now?
4)Does the Island attract pregnant women? WTH? Jacob's mom, Danielle, Claire? That's more than “coincidence”.
5)How does the Island move- more specifically.
6)Is the “light” really it?! That's all? What do we (Jacob) really know about the light except that it a) made the smoke monster and b) makes the island jumps around in time/place. Neither of those seem very good, so maybe it's not as good as murderous mommy said it was.
7)How do Widmore and Eloise know so much? Did one (both?) of them meet Jacob? What do they want to do with the Island/light?
8)How do all of the characters that have made it this far play in? So much was made of The Dharma Initiative (and its secret funding- HUH???) and so so so much was made of the Ben/Widmore feud. Huh?
9)Alternate reality. How does this figure in?
10)The producers have always said that he show is mostly about the characters than about the mystery (then why go so mysterious?), so, THEY BETTER END SOME THINGS A PROPER WAY. Are you listening, writers?
11) I have ALWAYS loved Jack and Kate together. If they don't end up together, I actually will be pissed. If she ends up alone, I'll be annoyed. If she ends up with Sawyer, I'll hunt down Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse myself. Jack and Kate were set up as the IT couple in the first episode. Abby's “Chekhov's smoking gun rule"? APPLIES here.
12) The show has always been about redemption. Pretty much every “good” character has found their redemption by the time of their demise, so, the remaining ones better too.
13) Are we going to get more about Sayid? We better. I think something happened w/ Desmond and he was able to see his need for his redemption and then took it on the sub, BUT we need to see that- it can't end off screen.
14) Season 3?
15) What is (was) the deal with Ilana? How did she know Jacob so well?
16) What's the significance of opening an episode with a character opening their eye?
17) Why does Daniel have an American accent? Isn't he British?
18) Were the numbers just a homing beacon to the island? That's it?
19) Why did Ben have all that money and those passports in his house in Otherton if he couldn't leave the island?

I'm sure I could think of more if I tried, but that's what I have for now.

Ultimately, I am banking on this being like a big exercise in Pointillism. And hoping to see the big picture on Sunday night at 10:30. Am I foolish? Maybe. But it's been a fun 6 year journey and experience. And, even if it all sucks in the end, even you can admit, Abby, that it was at least a fun ride. Can't you?

;-)

Doors

2010-05-06T19:49:00.001-07:00

Lately, I feel like my life has been lived on a doorstep. I am going from doorstep to doorstep, waiting to see what God is going to do. Will He open a door? I know, logically and in my spirit, that eventually, He will open some door(s). But when?

For years, I have prayed for many (many, many) things that I want it to be "the time"- a job I love and get paid well to do, a husband (well, boyfriend first), a house to call my own, independece (from my mom or other people). For years (well, almost my whole life) I have felt and seen all of these doors closed to me. Lately, I feel as if they've been almost slammed in my face.

Jeremiah 29:11- "...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I know this is true. But, I am having a hard time believing it lately.

When? Is being content with what I have enough? I can just afford an apartment, food, life, etc. I only like my job. It does not paid benefits/vacations etc. I have never been in a relationship (with a guy). I've found two houses that I love, and both I was out bid on, despite offering asking price in this market. I know, I know, I know God is telling me to wait. But for how long?

It is my hearts greatest desire to be a wife and a mom. It has always been my dream. I love my Lord more than I want those things. Most days.

Has He asked me to give up those things that I desire. Not yet. Would I, if He did. Yes. For now, I hear Him say over and over and over again, "wait."

But I am impatient. I don't want to always wait. I want the waiting to be over. I want whatever comes after the waiting.

The doors stay shut, and continue to shut, seemingly no matter how many doors I try to open. And I am eternally thankful for His Mercy of those doors shutting, but I am waiting for maybe even just one to open. And until, I wait.

Psalm 33:20, 22 Our soul waits for the Lord: He is our help and our shield. Let Your mercy, O Lord, be upon us, as we wait for You.

Psalm 25:4-5 Show me Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me: for You are the God of my salvation; on You do I wait all day.

Psalm 27:14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord.

Psalm 59:9 I will wait for You, oh You my strength, for God is my defense.

Psalm 62:5-6 My soul, wait silently for God alone; my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation.

Isaiah 40:31 They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.

Gracious Uncertainty

2010-04-29T22:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I let the "my life sucks" post hang out there for way too long, right? Sorry. The only thing that has changed since then is that my mom's house is sold. I still have a fairly crappy attitude and I hate that. What do I do next? Can I really buy a house? How do I know I am making the right decison? Do I put my little free time into looking for a house or looking for a job first? Etctera, etcetera.

And then.

I hadn't pulled out my My Utmost for His Highest in a long time and I felt God prompting me to do so tonight, so I obeyed.

HA! God is so good. In my crazy brain that runs a million miles a minute, He meets me right where I am. Of course He does, but it is so thrilling each and every time I recognize it.

Today (well, yesterday, but I haven't gone to bed yet, so I still read for the day that had just finished) was titled, Gracious Uncertainty Yep. Just what I need to read tonight. And, well, every night lately.

Because I am not an elegant speaker, I am going to leave the devotional here, and hope that if anyone out there is reading this, that this blesses you as much (or more!) than it did me.

Gracious Uncertainty, April 29

. . it has not yet been revealed what we shall be . . . (1 John 3:2)
Our natural inclination is to be so precise—trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next—that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, “Well, what if I were in that circumstance?” We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.

Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life—gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God—it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, “. . . unless you . . . become as little children . . .” (Matthew 18:3). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, “. . . believe also in Me” (John 14:1), not, “Believe certain things about Me”. Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in—but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.

-Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, updated edition

Question

2010-04-10T23:08:00.001-07:00

Will spraying a bug with perfume kill it?

A) I am an emotional eater. B) I have a case of The Mondays. C) It's Wednesday. D) Crap.

2010-03-24T22:52:00.000-07:00

I still live with my mom. (I know, I know, people.)

Get over it.

I've already told you. I'm a loser, baby.

Some things I like about living with her. Free rent. Free (ish) food- (I buy most of my own, but that's cause we like different things and have different schedules). Free things like toilet paper, laundry detergent, free cable and internet. Safe parking (word up, suburbs!).

Some things I do not like about living with her.

Like telling people I live with my mom.

And then they find out I'm 29.

Yeah, that's the face they give me.

In a few days I won't live with her. Ever again. She's moving in with her boyfriend (or wahtever you want to call him). And I'm moving into the basement of some good friends for a month or two, until I can buy a house and move in.

We're moving out of the house we've lived in for 17 years. 5 of which I lived away (at college. I did break out for a brief, shinning moment). The boxes are packed. The furniture is passed out or sold. Soon, all we'll have are the memories.

And I am so sad.

My dad died in this house. They carried out his body. Soon, we will walk out, with just our belongings and our memories. I won't ever had a home to go to that my parents lived in together, nor one that my dad lived in in this life. It's very sad. And sobering.

It's time. Time to move on, time to start afresh, time to see what God has planned.

I'm a bit depressed about it all, but, I'm excited.

365

2010-03-15T22:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I am now 29 and the countdown is on.

Prayerfully, this will be my best year yet. Not because of anything I can do nor because I deserve it (which I don't), but I pray it is A) for the Glory of God and B) so that I can fullfill God's purpose for me on this earth.

Life will change a lot in these next few days, weeks, and months. In 365 days I will not be the person I am today. I will not live where I am living now, I (most likely) will not have the job I have now- my life is changing. I vow to embrace it.

I hope and pray that I will not waste a single day of these 365 ahead of me.

Here we go.

THE list.

2010-03-13T22:04:00.000-08:00

I'm an organized type of girl. I love myself a list. I work better with a list. Pen and paper are my friend. Or, well, a blog, in this case.

In that vein, I'm resolving to make a list. A list for things I want to accomplish by the time I turn (dun, dun, dun) 30. A resolution to 30 , if you will.

Far from complete, I present to you, the beginnnings of my list.

1. Read through the Bible. Seriously. How many times am I going to say this and not follow through? I can do it. I want to do it.
2. Buy a house. (more on this soon)
3. Re-take Financial Peace University.
4. Seriously follow Dave Ramsey's principles. (i.e. budget, build 3-6 months of expenses in savings, emergency fund, add to my Roth more.)
5. Live lighter.
6. Lose (at least) 10 lbs.
7. Run a 10k
8. Sew more, using fabric I already have. (add a number or goal, maybe?)
9. Craft more, using products I already have. (add a number or goal, maybe?)
10. Find other ways to expand my creativity inexpensively.
11. Get a new job.
12. Give more. And regularly.
13. Work on overcoming my insecurities. Read So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore and attend a podcast seminar by her.
14. Read What's the Difference? by John Piper.
15. Share my faith more.
16. Take more pictures. 365?
17. Find a new church. Get involved.
18. Join and stay in a Bible study.
19. Find an accountability partner.
20. Live out 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.
21. Memorize more scripture.
22. Spend less.
23. Cook more, utilizing meal plans.
24. Spend more time outside. Garden?
25. Try new things. Make a list of these new things.
26. Watch less TV

So, there you have it. The beginnings of my resolution to 30.

Now, the real work begins.

367

2010-03-12T22:37:00.000-08:00

I've never aspired to be a "blogger", but, since I don't do well at journaling (gasp!), I thought I could do this.

I couldn't. Hello, my name is Brittnie, and I'm a hack.

Well, I'm starting anew. (famous last words?)

This time. I'm serious. (famous last words?) I have a goal. An end date, if you will, and all I can say is- GAME ON.

You see, there's a lot in my life that I am quite frankly, not happy with and not ok with as in 367 days, I (gulp) turn 30. Somethings I can change. Some, I cannot. I will not waste time worrying about those that I cannot. I will, aim to complete the list of things that I can, Lord willing.

So, 367 days and counting. Tomorrow? The list. (gulp!)

Well I stink at this.

2009-08-27T19:47:00.001-07:00

Gosh! Where has the summer gone?! After a busy summer spent swimming, trying to lose some weight, and a two week trip to Denver- the summer is gone. While sad, it does bring forth one of my favorite things- the Minnesota State Fair! In all it's disgustingness and heart-attack-on-a-stickness, it is a great opportunity to people watch and eat some terrible food. It is a summer must. Just make sure you avoid my arch nemesis- a certain short, very obnoxious weather man with a very bizarre following.

A few things I LOVED about this summer:
- Denver. I'd never been, and I LOVED it. Albeit short and cold, the trip up to Pike's Peak was my favorite. Were I ever to go back- I'd like to take a day and hike it.
- The Time Travelers Wife. I LOVED LOVED LOVED the book (though parts were certainly unnecessary) so I was thrilled when the movie was finally out. I had made several friends read the book and they all loved it, so we had a girls night on opening night and had a blast. Of course it wasn't as good as the book, but it was good and I was thrilled that they altered the ending a bit. One of my issues with the book was the way it ended and the movie fixed all of my issues. YAY!
- Harry Potter, midnight showing. 'nuff said.
- Planning an 80th birthday party for my lovely grandma, Olive, on 9.9.09- so fun!
- Project Runway is back. Read this now. You'll thank me later.
- Final season of Monk starting.
- Mad Men is back too. Yay for great tv!

I will post about chapter two of Set Apart Femininity soon. It was a more scattered and not as suscint as the first chapter. I read it twice and still didn't get much from it so I haven't even moved on, I hate to say. So much for the accountability I was looking for?

Set-Apart Femininity

2009-07-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

On the recommendation of Joy at Stay-at-Home Missionary, I ordered Set-Apart Femininity by Leslie Ludy a while ago and just finally picked it up to read it. For accountability, I decided to blog about each chapter after I read it.

Chapter 1: Sacred Intent

Even though I am only 1 chapter in, I'm enjoying the book. I think Mrs. Ludy sets a great and appropriate stage for why the book is needed and why we need to aim for a higher calling as Christian women and how society shapes (and how we allow it to shape) how we feel about ourselves and the way we value outward beauty.

My thoughts...

Too many in the "Christian sphere" see saving s*x for marriage as the "only rule" when it comes to how we should behave with our bodies and attitudes towards those around us (especially men). For me, personally, while I have my own struggles, I do have personal standards that I attempt to adhere to.

For example, when I was interning (and actually more as a student) with Campus Crusade for Christ we were asked to be appropriate and modest with our clothing (especially on spring break and summer projects). That meant 1 piece bathing suits, no br* straps showing ever, no cleav*ge, and often, even covering your shoulders. The point of all of it was, to not participate in allowing our Christian brothers to stumble. I attempt to hold to all of these still, and another rule I hold myself to is nothing too much above knee length. But, hardly was this message because of OUR relationship with Christ and how dressing appropriately would honor our Savior.

I don't think that it was any of CCC staff's intention to miss that point, and maybe they mentioned it, but I missed it when they were communicating to us, but as I've gotten older (and more conservative), I've seen that there was and is more to dressing appropriately. (And to be clear, not causing our brothers to stumble is a great reason- they are someone's wife and we should respect them and their future wife. I just don't think it's the only reason for dressing appropriately.)

Anywho, back to Set-Apart Femininity, I like where she is going and I like the message she is proclaiming and its "call to arms" of sorts (and certainly it's not just about how we as Christian women dress).

What I fail to do and be SO often is wholly devoted to Christ. I wish that were not the case. Mrs. Ludy says on page 20, " 'Christian' young women are a dime a dozen in our country. But to find a young woman who is wholly devoted to Christ and separate in spirit from the world is rare indeed." Ugh. I found this so convicting. Oh, that Christ would describe me as that!

Two other quotes I loved from this chapter were:

"His [God's] sacred intent for you and for me is nothing short of absolute abandonment to Jesus Christ, entire separation form the pollution of the world and ardent worship of our King with every breath we take." (page 28)

and

"No matter how worthless or ugly you feel, He longs to shape you into His stunning princess. It starts with one simple step of obedience- one simple decision to answer the sacred call He has upon your life... no matter what the cost." (page 29)

So, here's to discovering this book and it's message. And, to pressing on toward the goal of being a Christ follower who is "wholly devoted to Christ and separate in spirit from the world".

(citations belong to Leslie Ludy, author of Set-Apart Femininity)

a blog

2009-06-28T13:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm not sure that I want to blog so much as I want a place put down my thoughts and experiences. And a place to chronicle my Pyrex collection. I think that's what I'm most excited for. It's gorgeous. My life? Not so pretty, but here it is I suppose.